


I Don't Deserve Your Kindness

by kgbm



Category: Dragon Age, Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Divergence - Well of Sorrows, Cullen is being a man-baby, F/M, Fluff, I guess some of this could be considered Cullen negative/anti Cullen, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 21:12:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7122748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kgbm/pseuds/kgbm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amelia Trevelyan was tired of fighting, and she didn't want to spill more blood there. And with him standing there, looking at her like a stray mabari pup out in the snow. Amelia had to bring him home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to myladyvhenan on tumblr for being my test-reader and for giving me feedback and motivating me to continue writing this.
> 
> I welcome feedback, and I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I am enjoying writing it!

“Cullen, what do we know about Samson?”  
Cullen snorted. He never thought Samson would amount to anything, yet there he was at Haven, and now they were chasing him into the Arbor Wilds before he and Corypheus destroy the world and everything in it, maybe even themselves.

*****

It had been a long day, and an even longer fight, and after wave on wave of Red Templars and ancient Temple Elves Amelia didn’t want to fight the ex-Templar too. Even after destroying Samson’s lyrium armour, she didn’t fancy her chances of surviving a blow from him.

“You don’t have to do this, Samson!” Amelia yelled across the inner sanctum, her voice hoarse from commanding her party, and the lack of drinking water in The Wilds surely didn’t help. “Once Corypheus has what he wants he’ll cast you and your men aside, just like The Chantry did,”  
“And what would the precious Herald know of what The Chantry does?” he spat, “The Chantry threw me out like their morning piss buckets for delivering letters from a mage. They keep men and women on lyrium scented leashes, and then - when they see the cruelty of the circles, how many Templars treat their charges- only to find out they’re trapped. They trick you into joining by telling you you’ll be saving lives, then have you killing mages for minor infractions barely worthy of a slap on the wrist!”

The sorrow weighing on his soul made Amelia’s heart ache, like looking at a stray Mabari pup in the snow. She had to bring him home.  
“Come with us, Samson. Come to Skyhold with us-” Amelia was cut off by her companions - all but Sera - protesting as though she had just asked them to strip to their smalls. 

Amelia held up her hand and her companions settled, not daring to risk becoming subject to her anger.  
“As I was saying, come with us. We can treat the addictions of you and your men, save those who aren’t past saving. You can all have a life, a roof over your heads. Too much blood has been shed on all sides, and I don’t want to spill any more when there are less violent options. But I can’t let you or Corypheus take The Well.”

Samson was baffled. He had seen all kinds of liars in his lifetime, and this Inquisitor wasn’t one of them. She was good at playing roles crafted to fool noblemen, good at hiding behind a mask. But he was a nobody and nobodies are good at seeing through masks.

Under her mask he saw a sweet young mage with a fiery temper once her infinite patience ran out (he knew red-heads got their reputation for a reason). He sees how the past haunts her, even the green eyes as bright as the mark on her hand can’t hide that from him.

Samson found himself bewitched by her sheer beauty and strength, the fighting had allowed her hair to wriggle free from its usual bonds, framing her face like a painting from the circles. The light danced over her, illuminating the blood-red armour that hugged her figure.

Just as soon as he had fallen under her spell, he was snapped back out of it when Amelia addressed her elven friend.  
“Sera, you stayed quiet when the others all but jumped at my throat when I made that proposal, why?”  
She already knew the answer, it was almost the same as hers. But the others needed to hear it from someone other than herself.  
“Well, yeah, he’s killed a lot of innocent people - and I’m never pissing forgiving him for that, not ever - but he’s been screwed over by the big hats just as much as every other little guy in Thedas. If he makes the choice to come with us and help save the whole, messed up world, I won’t argue.”  
It was uncharacteristic of Sera to be so calm, perhaps the bloodshed was wearing on her too.

The Inquisitor walked forward until she was a hair's breadth away from Samson’s hollow, stress-worn face. He could smell her perfume, light and grassy, more fresh than he had ever smelled himself, even in the days before all of this. He could hear her companions voicing their complaints at her proximity to him but all he could focus on was her marked hand running across his cheek, sending his whole body into a frenzy of gooseflesh, her pupils widening as she asked again if he would surrender.

For once in his life, Raleigh Samson didn’t have to think. He would do anything to stay near her.


	2. Chapter 2

“How could you do this, Amelia!” Cullen’s voice was shaking. “Samson has killed thousands of people-” The Inquisitor cut him off abruptly, her patience growing thinner every moment Cassandra and The Commander lectured her. She was no child; she knew she had taken a risk but she also knew it was the right thing to do.  
“So have we! I don’t see you calling for us to be punished for the lives we’ve taken. We believe in our cause just as much as he did his. He deluded himself into thinking it was a good cause because the reality was too harsh, and the only difference between us and them is that we are giving them a chance!”  
By then Amelia’s eyes were filled with tears. She often wondered where the line was - that thin line between good and evil, a line she felt she constantly walked. Despite her motives in all of this, wasn’t she a monster too? She was responsible for just as many deaths.

“Perhaps The Herald is right,” Cassandra spoke up. “At first the idea was unsettling, but after listening to her reasoning I can understand. Those men and women had lost everything, and when you have nothing it is easy to turn to any cause to give you purpose.”  
This only furthered Cullen’s blind rage.  
“If neither of you will take care of this problem, I will,”  
His face was red as beets and his hand moved to the hilt of his sword. Before he could so much as turn to leave Amelia had leapt over The War Table and had Cullen pinned to the wall.  
“You will do no such thing, _Commander_ ,” Amelia hissed. How dare he undermine her like this? “You will, however, put aside your personal dislike for Samson and his men.”  
At this she let him go, and Cullen stormed from The War Room. Cassandra followed, but only after bidding Amelia good night,

Amelia sank into her chair. It had only been a few weeks since they had exited the eluvian in Skyhold. Finding the right eluvian to return home was not easy in The Crossroads, all the twisting pathways and countless eluvians to test had caused their return home to take far too long. The rest of the Inquisition’s forces had returned at midday and Cullen had been arguing with her for hours - it was exhausting. The door to The War Room opened slowly, drawing Amelia’s attention to her Spymaster.  
“Leliana,” Amelia’s voice was almost at a whisper. “Please don’t tell me you’re here to question my decision too, I’ve had hours of this from Cullen already,”  
Leliana seemed amused at that.  
“I am happy to say I do not share our Commander’s rather strong opinions,” Leliana took a seat. “But I also do not share yours.”  
This puzzled Amelia. _What could she mean? There are only two sides to this._  
“Be honest with me, Leliana. What _are_ your opinions?”  
She knew Leliana was always honest with her, but Amelia liked letting her advisors know it was welcomed. At least, when they were civil about it.  
“I believe that Samson and his men will prove useful, both in providing information and perhaps as part of our army once they have recovered,” Leliana paused, debating whether or not she should say what she said next. “You seem to be fond of the man, Inquisitor.” 

Amelia’s eyes widened, was Leliana suggesting that she had feelings for Samson, the man who laid siege to Haven and killed people she considered her friends?  
“Don’t be preposterous, Leliana,”  
Amelia’s voice wavered, making even herself question whether or not it was the truth. The Spymaster raised her eyebrow, her suspicions confirmed.  
“As you say, _Inquisitor_.”  
Leliana bid Amelia farewell. And for the first time that day she was alone with her thoughts. For the first time in a long time, she didn’t want to be. 


	3. Chapter 3

It had been days, Cullen was avoiding meeting Amelia’s eye, and she had been plagued by Leliana’s words. It was late into the evening and she couldn’t clear her mind.  
“You called for me, my Lady,”  
Blackwall stood at the top of her chambers’ stairway, looking more than uncomfortable there.  
“I need your council,”  
As she rose from her bed she realised why he looked so tense. Her nightgown was form fitting silk with a plunging neckline, and despite his past, Blackwall was still a man of honour.  
“ _My_ council, Inquisitor?”  
His brow furrowed, wondering what The Inquisitor could possibly want from _him_.  
“Well I didn’t send for Josephine, did I?” she laughed at the question. “Take a seat. And a glass.”  
Amelia gestured to two glasses of honey-wine sitting on her bedside table.

“Did I do the right thing, Thom, allowing Samson and his men mercy - more than mercy?”  
It was rare for Amelia to address him by his true name, she only used it in the most serious of conversations with him because she knew how much he hated it, how much he hated his past.  
“My Lady, is this what has been troubling you? Don’t doubt yourself. Others in Skyhold may not agree with what you did, but you are a compassionate woman. You spared me when I had lied to you all about everything, when you found out what I had done. I hope you aren’t regretting that too?”  
Amelia was thankful for the jest, it made the weight on her shoulders feel that little bit lighter. Yet still an uneasy silence fell between them.

“My Lady, this is an uncomfortable question, and it isn’t my place to ask, but what has actually been bothering you? You’ve never been affected this much by public opinion,”  
A weight dropped in Amelia’s stomach and her face paled, she knew she had to face reality sooner or later.  
“I… A few days ago, when the others returned, Leliana suggested that I,” she paused, terrified of what she was about to say. “She suggested that I may have feelings for General Samson…”

Hours passed, and Blackwall retired to the stables. He left Amelia with one piece of advice:  
“Spend some time with the man and find out where your heart lies.”


	4. Chapter 4

Weeks of War Room meetings, planning, trying to figure out what Corypheus planned to do next. He no longer had his Red Templars, and Inquisition forces had dealt with most of the Venatori in Southern Thedas.

“My people have seen the remainder of our enemy’s forces massing at the Temple of Sacred Ashes,” Leliana’s news meant Amelia would be staring death in the face very soon, and like a great many things she wasn’t ready for it. At least with this particular situation she felt she had some control.  
“Alright,” Amelia spoke up, trying to sound confident that they could win this fight. “Tonight we rest, tomorrow we outfit our troops with the best weapons and armour we have. In two days time we will face a self-proclaimed god. Lets pray that we succeed in defeating him.”

As they left the War Room, Amelia pulled Josephine and Leliana aside.  
“Leliana, could you have your people tell everyone in skyhold to gather in the upper courtyard? I want to talk to them, give them some hope. Josie, talk to the kitchen staff, have them prepare enough ram and halla stew for tonight's meal, have tables set up in the great hall and through the courtyard. If tonight is to be one of our last nights alive, we’re going to make it a good one.”

People gathered in the courtyard and Amelia stood in the spot where she had been named Inquisitor, butterflies in her stomach and a tightness in her throat just like back then. She had come so far since she had been forced into the circle at Ostwick, yet still she was just as scared in that moment as the day she left her family’s estate. She just saw herself as a scared little girl, but her people saw her as a hero, as The Herald of Andraste.

“Inquisition,” Her voice rang out over the courtyard, an echo followed. “We face uncertainty in the coming days. Corypheus’s forces are massing at the Temple of Sacred Ashes and we are sure this would be god plans on tearing down the veil, destroying the world. I promise you, if you give your all in fighting enemy forces, me and my companions will defeat Corypheus and his dragon.”  
Cheers erupted from her followers. She could be leading them to their deaths but they found hope in her that she couldn’t understand. What she did understand was that despite the insistence of her companions that it wasn’t true, she was just like Samson. She hated that she was but she couldn’t deny it. Him and her were two edges of the exact same blade, they were both just as dangerous.  
“Tonight, we will eat, and drink, sing, and dance, and we will live.”

The festivities did little to lighten Amelia’s mood - all the dancing and drinking in the world couldn’t distract her from what was to come.  
“Leliana, I’d like to go take some food and water to the templars in our dungeons. I can’t imagine lyrium withdrawal is very fun and I’m sure a nice warm meal will help them feel more normal,”  
Amelia excused herself and began to make her way to the kitchens, when she walked past Cole and he started talking, reading her thoughts aloud as he often did. Only this time, something caught her ear.   
“Cole,” Amelia rushed them both into Josephine’s office. “You can’t blurt that out! If people knew my feelings, I don’t know what they’d do,”  
“They would respect you the way they do now. You love him and that wouldn’t change how they see you,” Amelia didn’t believe him. He may be able to see into people’s heads but he couldn’t see into the future. “You love him. They will understand that.”  
“Just- please don’t talk about it, Cole, things are complicated enough as it is.”

Amelia had a large pot full of stew taken down to the dungeons along with freshly baked bread and a small cask of honey wine, and she carried down bowls and spoons herself.   
“Please leave us,” Amelia wanted to be alone with them, to talk to them all. So few people gave them any respect at all, and she knew what that was like. When she travelled from Ostwick to the Conclave, people all over Ferelden had been fearful of her, some had spat, hurled stones. There were so few places where she was welcome.  
“Are you sure, Inquisitor?” The guard asked, doing her duty. “These men are quite dangerous.”  
“I can take care of myself, please, go and enjoy what’s left of the party.”

Amelia sat and spoke with the ex-templars all evening, telling each other stories of their adventures, singing tavern songs - all but “Samson’s Tale”, that wasn’t a song taken kindly to by anyone in those cells.  
“Inquisitor,” Samson spoke, he had stayed quiet for most of the evening. “Why are you showing us such niceties when we are your prisoners?”  
This shocked Amelia. She thought she had made it clear at The Well that they were joining her as equals, not as prisoners. That they were only in the dungeons to protect them and the rest of Skyhold from the effects of withdrawal; she imagined that if withdrawal from blue lyrium was bad, withdrawal from red lyrium - blighted lyrium - was far worse.  
“General, you and your men are not my prisoners. The only reason you are in these cells is for the protection of everyone involved. The guards tell me that the withdrawal pain had caused several of your men to lash out, shooting lyrium. I don't blame them, I know they couldn’t help it. But were that to happen outside, in the courtyard, the kitchens, anywhere else in Skyhold, if it were to injure or kill someone, I wouldn’t be able to protect you. The people already want you gone, if any of you were to hurt my people, they would demand you all be killed,” Amelia paused, a tightness in her throat and tears welling up in her eyes. “I can’t let that happen…”

“Inquisitor,” The guard had returned. “The party’s over and everyone’s gone to bed, you should too. You’ll need your strength for the fight,”  
“I’d like to take the General for questioning before I head to my chambers,” Amelia hoped she was convincing.  
“As you say ma’am, I won’t stop you, but be careful. I’d hate to be responsible for you getting hurt…”  
Amelia knew she wouldn’t be hurt, not by him. If he was going to do anything, he would have done it before, at The Well.

“Why have you brought me here, of all the places in this castle?”   
Samson was unsure of Amelia’s motivations. Had she brought him here to slaughter him in secret? He couldn’t tell, and her silence and pacing was setting him on edge.  
They were in what she imagined was once a dining hall of sorts, Amelia often came down here when she couldn’t sleep, and she would find ancient books in the Vault Library and read until she couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer. It was one of the few places she could get any peace and quiet, and it was a short walk from the kitchens so if she became hungry she could take a bread roll and some cheese.  
“Do you want me to be frank with you, General?” Amelia fiddled with the hems of her outfit’s sleeves, she had done it ever since she was a child, she barely even realised it most of the time. But unlike most times, that time she knew she was doing it. She did it because it was soothing, in an odd way. Before Samson had time to respond, Amelia had already started talking again. “It has been suggested by one of my closest friends and advisors that I may have feelings for you,”

Samson’s jaw dropped and the breath was drawn out of his chest. It was incomprehensible to him that someone as whole, and pure, and perfect as her could possibly feel anything more than neutrality towards him. _Him_. The man who “betrayed” the chantry by sympathising with mages. The man who went cowering back to the chantry when he couldn’t stand the lyrium withdrawal. The man who poisoned his men with blighted lyrium, killing so many of them. The man who fed his people lies to make them feel like they were doing the right thing. The man who gave in and surrendered so easily.   
“I- Inquisitor? The fact that we are here, alone in the dead of night suggests that you’re either planning on killing me in secret or that you had, well, _something else_ in mind entirely,” He always flirted when he was nervous, or just couldn’t think of what else to do. It had earned him many a slap from women, and several punches from men. By the look on Amelia’s face Samson gathered it had earned him another.


	5. Chapter 5

Muffled moans escaped Samson’s rather preoccupied lips as he found himself unlacing the back of Amelia’s corset. She had worn a fancy silk dress for the party, a deep green, accented by bright red embroidery. He had wanted to rip it off of her body from the moment she had entered the dungeons. He had wanted to drag her into his cell when she opened it, pin her down and rip that pretty little dress to pieces. He wanted to strip her naked in front of his men and suckle at her perky breasts, play and tease at her nipples until she begged him to stop and to finally fuck her, defile her. He wanted to make her scream his name. But then, when he had the best opportunity to take the virtue of The Herald of Andraste, he couldn’t. He didn’t want to. He felt differently about her, now that she was putty in his hands. He knew she was likely a virgin, she’d probably never even kissed a man before him. From what he knew of her, she had been taken to the circle as only a girl of six. He knew the templars at Ostwick weren’t cruel to their charges, but he also knew they were strict, and fraternization between mages and templars was strictly forbidden, as was unsupervised interaction between male and female mages. Amelia simply wouldn’t have had the opportunity. If Samson was truly to be who she chose as her first, he wanted it to be entirely on her terms. He wanted her to be in control. 

He couldn’t carry on when he knew she was drunk and the guard had told him that that night’s party was to have one last good evening before they went to fight and save the world, he thought this was just her panicking and afraid.  
“Inquisitor…”  
“Please, Samson, call me Amelia,”  
“ _Amelia_ , are you certain that this is what you want? That _I_ am what you want? Just a few months ago I was your enemy, had you not convinced me otherwise I would have tried to kill you!” Samson was angry, furious at himself for being so full of hate. His hate had blinded him and driven him so far in the wrong direction. “I… I’m sorry, Amelia. I’m just angry at myself, and the way I ended up here. I don’t deserve your kindness… But if we are to be on a first name basis, it’s Raleigh,”  
Samson was interrupted with another, more gentle kiss.  
“Before tonight, I didn’t know how I felt about you, not really. I was afraid that Leliana was right, because if my people found out, if I succeeded in stopping Corypheus, they would rally against me. But two of my friends helped me decide what to do. They convinced me that I should give you a chance, and one of them seemed very certain that my people would understand. I’m definitely far from sure of that but I brought you here anyway. And after spending the evening with you and your men, I think I can safely say that I realised how I truly feel. I think I love you, Raleigh,” Nobody had spoken to him like that before, and her admission made him feel immense guilt. _I shouldn’t be the one to have her, she deserves far better than me._  
“Are you sure you want an old man like me? You could have anyone you like, even that bumbling fool of a commander,” Cullen had always been the one to get swooned over, and he never knew what to do with women. Samson often found himself envious when they were in Kirkwall, he knew how to please women and he knew what he wanted, yet still they wanted Cullen. Samson imagined Amelia's affections for him would make Cullen’s blood boil.  
“I am, Raleigh,” she kissed his cheek, he wondered how she could bring herself to, they only got one bath a week down in the dungeons so they weren’t exactly clean. “As for Cullen, he behaves like a child. He hates having you here and is intent on getting rid of you one way or another. I’d kill him rather than let that happen. He’s infuriating. He stopped taking lyrium and I only found out because he wasn’t coping and Cassandra told me he wanted us to find someone to replace him as Commander. I considered him a friend and he didn’t tell me. And then he tried to undermine my decision to let you and your men join us! He’s started letting his personal feeling interfere with his duties.” A sigh escaped Amelia’s lips. It was getting late and she knew she needed to get a good night’s sleep. “Now, we’d better get you back to the cells before that guard starts worrying about me. I just wish we had more time,” As she turned around to lead him back to the dungeons, Samson slapped her ass and whispered in her ear.  
“Come back from your next mission in once piece and I’ll make it well worth the wait,” He then realised that her dress was still half off her shoulders and her corset was partially unlaced. “And unless you want people to know what this _interrogation_ involved, I suggest you let me help you put your dress back on properly.”


End file.
